FLASH: John is Dead

Famed Beatle, John Lennon, is dead.  Reports from our underground source's mole men sources claim that the Beatle was killed while on sabbatical in Turkey.

 

"I wanted to go somewhere where people were too poor to buy my music so that I could really make a point," the Beatle last said.  "I want to make a real difference by doing something no one has done before.  Paul told me that it hasn't been done before because it doesn't make sense, but he's wrong!"  He then slammed his airplane door shut and burned money fuel (see the upcoming expose on money fuel) to take flight.

 

Though his manner of death is unknown, reports do confirm that bigfoot is in no way responsible as for whatever reason bigfoot cannot manifest itself in the realm of Turkey.  Speculation as to whether or not this is because bigfoot doesn't like to go there to avoid bad memories of allegedly being on board Noah's Ark remains a mystery but it is general agreed upon that bigfoot did not need to take a ride on Noah's ark for the same reason Noah didn't need to pack fish on board:  bigfoot is impervious to drowning.

 

John Lennon is survived by Paul and Ringo, who have been hiding clues in their music regarding John's ultimate fate.

 

I will keep on imagining, Mr. Lennon.  I will keep on imagining.

FLASH: Skyrocketing Oil a Result of Reverse Global Warming

There are two seemingly unrelated events in the news of late; high oil prices and lowering global temperatures.  Both prove that global warming is a hoax, but they also lead us into brand new territory.

 

The Americans have a weather machine and they are not telling us.

 

This weather machine is undoubtedly huge and powerful.  It requires lots of oil to run properly, but it gives out so much pollution it must work even harder.  The initial goal of the machine was to fight global warming, but it was recently discovered that Reverse Global Warming has been occurring as a coincidence and not due to any actions the weather machine has taken.  In fact, it has recently been discovered by our inside source that the machine was switched to sunny for the last two months, allegedly by mistake.

 

This means one of two things, dear reader.  Either the machine does not work and is simply sitting around wasting oil as a scheme to burn more oil and drive the prices up or it is actually fighting an impending ice age and we need to feed more oil into it so it can work harder.  Unfortunately, I never claimed to have all the answers, just most of them.

 

Previous speculation that the machine is a bionic bigfoot has been proven false.

FLASH: President's Health Care Reform an Elaborate Sacrifice

I recall that bigfoot said it best when he stated, "A man who sacrifices so publicly is a jerkbag."  The rar amphibious beast which can only breathe underwater, known as Aquaticus, had merely replied with, "I WANT."  and thus began a decade's old feud between the two speculative creatures.  But this entry is not a history lesson, dear reader, but merely a reminder that most anything Bigfoot is cited for is pertinent.

The President's health care reform proposals are old news by now, but what is currently misunderstood is that he is well aware that the plan is doomed to failure.  The health care reform plan of the US is specifically designed to further disrupt the economy all so that the President can sacrifice the nation's stability to his lord the mighty Dagon.

Now if you're keeping score at home you are no doubt aware that a sacrifice to Dagon involves lots of water and not merely a death (especially for an unphysical concept like a nation's stability) so the President isn't even going about this the right way.

Remember to write your congressman to fight health care reform because it is an insufficient sacrifice to Dagon.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

FLASH: You Will Kill the President

Many smartphones these days feature GPS devices that, unlike stand alone GPS devices, are only accurate while you are on the move.  When standing still the device suddenly isn't sure where you are and presents the user with a radius of where they might be.  This radius can be anywhere from a city block in size to a few miles.

The current claim is that this is a limitation of GPS in a phone, but inside information shows us the truth of this "limitation."

The real flash of truth here is that you can and will be arrested for the assassination of a political figure.  Your arbitrary GPS radius placing you as closer to a crime scene than you actually were means that government spooks will easily be able to frame you when they look at the GPS info for who was nearby and decide that everything about your timing in the area makes you look guilty.  It'll be easy to pick you up too since the GPS suddenly becomes more accurate when you are "fleeing."

Recommendation:  Avoid phones like the iphone or Palm Pre.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

FLASH: Government Censors Truth Flash; Attacks with Hurricane

In our endless pursuit of the Truth, we here at Truth Flash have naturally acquired a stable of enemies. Not the least of which include certain agencies within the United States government.

In an effort to suppress our current investigations into a possible conspiracy against the life of Bigfoot, and to discredit us, the news articles of Truth Flash journalist Boris Stoke have been maliciously edited to include typos that make him look like an amateur.

While as-of-yet unconfimed, this reporter believes that Hurricane Bill, currently gathering in fury off the coast of Bermuda, is in fact the second of a two pronged attack, a desperate weapon aimed at the very heart of this noble machine that we call Truth Flash. More on this as the situation develops.

Dear readers and fellow Pursuants of the Truth, I make my promise to you to put a stop to these acts of villiany as fast as I can, and we shall continue to push forward in our mission to bring you the hardest hitting, cutting edge Truth that you won't find anywhere else.

FLASH: No Rest For the Wicked

Although extra terrestrials have obviously been known to exist for years there has never been knowledge of what these space beings want from us... until now.

Space beings (aka aliens, extra terrestrials or bigfoot in space) ave been abducting humans and cows for years without making any attempt at opening up a dialogue.  While society has been scratching its collective heads ignoring the obious existence of alien life we have been seeking a method to their madness.

The answer is quite simple.  If you are wicked then they don't want you to rest.  This perfectly explains why they are interacting with us in such an odd and frightening fashion.  It also explains why most UFO sightings are by drunkards and harlots.  Likewise, lost time isn't noticed by anyone but evil business moguls or prostitutes.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

FLASH: Bigfoot is Abominable Snowman

After much deliberation the Summit of Justice put their foot down and claimed that the two speculative creatures (Bigfoot and the Yeti) are in fact the same creature.

Bigfoot, as he is known in the Americas, is in fact a time shifting beast of instability much like Australia's Eric Bana.  Bigfoot is not a member of a lost species but rather a lone individual traveling across space and time to appear in more than one location.  The instability of the beast's existence accounts for the often blurry photography on those occasions it has been spotted.

The ruling of the summit was a result of much scientific evidence which has since mysteriously disappeared.  The ruling also means that the American government now owns all rights to the Abominable Snowman or Yeti as well as Bigfoot's other "forms."

-- Sent from my Palm Pre